Humour & Wisdom
In a world of political, economic, and personal disintegration, music is not a luxury but a necessity, not simply because it is therapeutic nor because it is the “universal language”, but because it is the persistent focus of man’s intelligence, aspiration, and good will. Robert Shaw
Wit
Sandra Bruneau
There was a young girl who had a quick wit.
Her grandma and momma had taught her to knit.
They gave her some wool, some needles, a kit.
Yet the craft failed to interest her, not the least bit!
She said she would rather play tunes on a flute
Her grandma and mumma said ‘That would be cute!‘
She got out her case and gave flute a toot;
this story turned happy, she earned lotsa loot.
Playing better and faster, she soon gained great fame,
concerts were given, thousands they came.
Soon she was heard on the old CBC.
The nation was listening: she played right on key.
But the old CBC then decided to change,
taken over by aliens, it became truly strange.
The classical brains were pushed to the side,
and the ratings then took a steep dive and a slide.
Nobody knew how to make a brave save
from popular discers who’d made the Corp cave.
The citizens thought they could take things in hands,
So they rose up together with several demands.
They fought and they lobbied, they wrote their MPs;
polite and respectful, they even said `Please!’
But the MPs had deaf ears, crude cowboys all,
They hummed and they hawed and perfected their stall.
`We do like our rock and our blues and our punks!’
But the people insisted: `Get rid of the skunks!’
`Put classical back!’ was the citizens’ cry:
We’ll fire you quickly unless you do try!’
So the girl with the flute decided to run
for a parliament seat. She’d run ’til she won.
Quite soon she was seated on top of the Hill;
a good politician, she crafted a bill.
And her private new bill which MPs did vote,
‘twas better than ramming stuff down their rich throats
She called for more culture and also for class;
she cajoled and persuaded and soothed the top brass.
One day in the Commons she got out her flute.
With happy aplomb, she played on her lute.
The MPs did listen, then talked in great huddles,
a melodic approach caused gigantic befuddles.
The flute-player played, gathered MPs all ’round,
and claimed that the country needs most some good sound.
‘Musicians do need you, what courage you have,
You must vote the whole bill, not take it by halves.’
Her eyes twinkled brightly, MPs they did smile,
She had them all hoodwinked, ahead by a mile.
They did what she told them, with nary a quarrel,
She gathered them round, to sing a sweet chorale.
When it came time to vote on the bill,
prepared by the flautist who sat on the Hill,
They nodded and hugged and knew what they’d do.
She led her new chorus line, right there on cue.
The bill passed quite easily, without opposition.
It called for commissions and fine composition.
It required good music be heard on the waves,
‘Be proud of this work you can take to your graves.’
For the new CBC which shamefacedly crept
our young woman flautist proved greatly adept.
She changed what we hear from a soundboard so loud
to something released from a gathering shroud.
When musicians applauded and lauded their girl,
they saw and they knew she was really a pearl.
Her grandma and momma saw a class that might knit
‘Develop your talents: save our land from nit-wits!’
September 2009
Why Music? An article from the Economist on the power and importance of music to our survival.
Here’s a sadly hilarious joke about the new management class’ way of thinking about…everything! Attributed to Philip Austin of the Firesign Theater. Thanks to Vancouver author Genni Gunn for the link.
The chairman of a major corporation was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony but since he couldn’t go, he passed the invitation on to the company’s Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and was handed this memorandum, entitled “Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony – Loose Ends, Confusion, Incoherence, and The Answer”:
“1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessarily duplicative, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier or two.
3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given proper attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.”
We have to laugh! Cartoons! Parody! Anything to give relief to our struggle against intransigence!
If you would like to submit your humour and wisdom to this page, please contact (click on) standonguardforcbc [at] earsay [dot] com
“The life of the arts, far from being an interruption, a distraction, in the life of a nation, is very close to the center of a nation’s purpose – and is a test of the quality of a nation’s civilization.” –John F. Kennedy
VIDEOS
The Yellow-bellied Stursberger
Effervescent Artists’ Tribunal
Culture in Danger (Culture en Péril, with subtitles)
It amazes me that at a time when Canada is riding the commodities wave to unprecedented wealth, with most levels of government experiencing budgetary surpluses, that we are ridding ourselves of a piddley piddling little orchestra. If this is how we are when in fortune, how will we be when in misfortune? How much culture exactly can we do without before we have become lifeless, corporate drones? I believe that both in good and bad times we need beautiful music. -Yann Martel, author, Life of Pi
CARTOONS!
Click on the cartoons to enlarge.
CBC-NOT.com - great spoof logos
Mr. Harper’s idea of an ordinary person is that of an envious hater without a scrap of artistic talent or creativity or curiosity, and no appreciation for anything that’s attractive or beautiful. My idea of an ordinary person is quite different. Human beings are creative by nature. For millenniums we have been putting our creativity into our cultures – cultures with unique languages, architecture, religious ceremonies, dances, music, furnishings, textiles, clothing and special cuisines. “Ordinary people” pack into the cheap seats at concerts and fill theatres where operas are brought to them live. The total attendance for “the arts” in Canada in fact exceeds that for sports events. “The arts” are not a “niche interest.” They are part of being human. -Margaret Atwood, To be creative is, in fact, Canadian, Globe and Mail, September 25, 2008
Dear Mr. Harper: you are wrong. It is a fundamental Canadian value to cherish the arts. Just look on your twenty dollar bill!
CHEQUER LE DOS D’UN BILLET DE 20$ :
Nous connaîtrons-nous seulement un peu nous-mêmes sans les arts?
CHECK THE BACK OF YOUR $20 DOLLAR BILL TO READ THIS:
Could we ever know each other in the slightest without the arts?
-Gabrielle Roy (1909-1981)
HUMOUR
The Steinmetz/McGuire
CBC Radio Orchestra PLAN
In the beginning was the Steinmetz/McGuire PLAN
And then came the Stursberg Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the orchestra players.
And they spoke among themselves, saying:
“It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the players went unto their Conductor and said,
“it is a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor thereof.”
And the Conductor went unto the CBC Producer, saying,
“It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
Such that none may abide by it.”
And the Producer went to the CBC Directors, saying,
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors then went to the CBC Vice-Presidents, saying unto them,
“It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice-Presidents went unto the CBC President, saying unto him,
“This new Plan to demolish the Radio Orchestra will actively promote
The growth and vigor of the CBC, with powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan to destroy the Radio Orchestra became Policy.
This is how shit happens.
-Gene Ramsbottom
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